Information on Assertive Behavior
Assertive expression of feelings
A person speaks in a firm tone.
A person makes "I" statements. By making "I" statements, the person is taking
responsibility for his own feelings. Instead of saying "You make me so angry,"
say "I am upset." It is important to label how you feel with "I" instead
of "you." This allows a person to express feelings without placing blame
on the other person. Some more examples include: "I feel upset. I am really
sad. I am frustrated, confused, and angry."
The person states why she feels the way she does and how she would like the
situation to be changed. An assertive person is not going to force another
person to change. Rather, she will make a request that expresses her point
of view but realizes that she cannot control another person's behavior.
People who are assertive listen to what the other person has to say. They
restate their feelings in an assertive manner if the other person does not
appear to understand their point of view.
If the person is not responding appropriately, you feel yourself not able
to keep your emotions under control, or the situation is not getting resolved,
an assertive person politely excuses himself from the situation.
The person feels better and the relationship stays intact because she considered
the other persons' feelings.
Passive expression of feelings
The person speaks in a quiet voice or does not speak at all.
A passive person makes indirect comments in hopes that the other person gets
the hint about how he is feeling. For example, your boss tells you to work
overtime when you have to go to your child's teacher conference and you say
OK. As the boss is leaving, you say something in a quiet tone of voice such
as "I sure hope my child does not get in trouble because I can't make it
to his conference." This person did not express his feelings about the situation
or explain why he felt the way he did. The employee is hoping the boss might
get the message with the passive statement.
The person bottles up feelings. He does not express feelings at all.
The person does not confront a person directly because she does not like
conflict. She says things behind the person's back. She expresses her feelings
but nothing gets resolved because she does not confront the person.
You try to express your feelings, but the other person is aggressive and
does not validate your feelings. You get uncomfortable, so you apologize
and take back what you said to avoid a conflict. Wishy-washy!
The person does not feel better because nothing is resolved, and the other
person has no idea that anything is wrong. Thus, the other person may continue
to engage in a behavior that is highly aggravating for the passive person.
Aggressive expression of feelings
A person yells or screams to get his point across.
The person uses abusive, disrespectful language when addressing the other
person.
The person does not let the other person talk. She dominates the
conversation.
In extreme cases the person becomes physically threatening or abusive.
The person bottles up feelings until he explodes. This is known as
Passive-Aggressive behavior.
The person does hurtful things to make herself feel better rather than express
her feelings assertively.
The person feels better in the short run because she has "let the other person
have it." But, the other person is hurt, the relationship is damaged, and
the aggressive person probably does not have an overall good feeling about
the way she has handled the situation.
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